Archive for the Matters of the Heart Category

The Blame Was On Me

Posted in Matters of the Heart with tags , , , on August 29, 2009 by hangingbridge

I slept 3 hours ago with a heavy heart and woke up still with a heavy heart.

While I was waiting for four hours, he was with another girl.

And he tells me, he was doing it for me.  Para daw magising ako. I’m not sure how would that help.  So that I would finally realize that he was not really for me? Is that the realization he would want me to finally wake up to?  He tells me that he just did the same thing I did to wake him up from his stagnant state months before.  But I don’t think I broke his heart the way he did mine today.

This was the worst thing a man could have done to me and I was the one to blame.

And that is worse than what he actually did.  He made me believe that I was the one to blame.  He never said sorry for it.  I was the one who uttered the word “sorry”.  And I’m crying now because I turned to this kind of person.

The blame was all on me.  How could I have been so bad to lead him to do such a thing?  I’m probably the worst girlfriend there is.  He said I was such a dominating person that I demand him to say YES to my every bidding.  That I wanted to turn him into someone he does not want to be.  He said that I was the one at fault.  He wanted me to change or else, he will do it again.

I feel so threatened now that he did this.  The security I thought I had with this relationship has gone now.  And all is left is something so labile.  That at any moment now, I would be doing something stupid that would lead him to do the same thing over and over again.  And then I would just die with a broken heart.

How could I trust myself again? Will I ever do anything good for him again?

Those were my thoughts.  And then another part of myself, the one detached from all of this, reprimanded me on what I have become.  I was not the one who cheated.  I was the one who was waiting for that person cheating on me.  And I was the one thinking I couldn’t be trusted?!  That part of myself was mad.

Anger and pity do not mesh well together.

I do not want to lose him.  And that is why a betrayal is not good enough to make me stop running after him.  Yes.  It is humiliating that I’m running after him.

I thought I was my own person.  I am striving very hard to be my own person.  And after 30 years, somebody still owns me.  And my owner doesn’t even bother to handle me with care.  Was I like that to him?  Don’t I consider how he feels?  Probably, I am.

He told me that if he didn’t love me at all, he would have just cancelled our date altogether.  He didn’t do that completely because he was there and wanted to have dinner with me -after his “snack” with his other date (or as he puts it, his “meet-up” with another girl).  He told me that if he didn’t love me he would just walk away.

But then he did just walk away “without a word”.  He set up this meet-up with another girl when we were on a break.  The worse thing was I didn’t know we were on a break because he just walked out on me without a word.  I didn’t know.  Ignorance is never bliss in my case.  I have to know.  And when I found out, I came running after –  literally.  I drove to their house – all 18 km of it.

He walked away and I tried to pull him back.  I am to blame.

If I was in my “third-person” self, I would have pounded, shoved, kicked myself.  Why do I allow myself to do such a thing?  Didn’t I know better?

As of now, we are together because I admitted it was my fault.  If I did not, he probably would have just have disappeared.  This is love.  And if he really didn’t love me as much, it would be okay.  Life is short, hence, suffering would end eventually.  I would be happier to have loved this much than not loved at all.  And if that person do not reciprocate the same amount of love, it would be definitely a burden but I will just have to carry it until I cannot anymore.

Dear Lord, Was this how you felt when we crucified you to the cross when all you did was love us?  If so, I am happy to take part in your suffering.