Transient Rooms

Yay!  I’m going back home.  But before I board on my plane this Monday, I have to look back at the longest one month ever.  Who said July 2010 was going to be a hard one for me?  I’m glad the crossroad is over and I have made my decision – for better or worse, who knows?

So, after getting myself pregnant, I was exiled to the U.S. for self-examination and for self-loathing (as they were hoping).  First stop was California and the last stop was New Jersey.  In California, I wasn’t judged.  I felt their best intentions at heart.  I didn’t want to leave the place if only I could have withstand my cousin’s bullying.  Also, I was almost forced to leave since NJ promises a visit to the doctor’s office for a monthly check-up.

But I didn’t get my doctor’s appointment.  First day in NJ, people were talking behind my back. Leave it to my aunts to make anyone feel they have done something horrendous as have a baby.  First few days, I felt that if people weren’t happy about the situation, then they shouldn’t have convinced my parents to bring me here in the first place.  But that is over now, since 2 nights away from today, I’m going back home … to my new home.

So here are my transient rooms.  The mess I made reflects the actual mess I made for the people who I really care about – my parents.  These are the rooms where I cried almost every night.  These are also the rooms where I prayed for my emancipation.

The Mess I made in California

The Mess I made in New Jersey

Life is good here but it is not how I or anyone else is supposed to live.  I am not earning or doing anything productive.  I am spending my parents’ money when in return, I have to give something back.  I’m staying here in exchange of something big – the right to live the life of my own.  Everyone has plans for me in these place.  I have no say in these places.

If my baby could ask me to do something, he or she will ask me to stay here.  But he or she has to understand that the hard, uncertain life would be a big adventure for both of us.  I just hope that I have great endurance for both of us because we both would need it in the near future.

I’m leaving my transient rooms/home in a few days.  I’m not going back home to my old room in Manila.  I’m going to a life where nothing is certain and it may not be as temporary as the one I had here.

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