The Years I Thought I Have Forgotten

I have grown up feeling all alone even if I’m surrounded by so many people.  I may be socially incapable of connecting with others on a higher level from that of the superficial friendship I had with my girlfriends.  I didn’t feel that I belonged even if I was branded to be in that group of people.  There are times when I pity myself for feeling so out of place.  And there are times when I’m so proud of myself that I can actually stand on my own (with all the concealed help of benefactors – that I want to give recognition to every single day).

I remembered how hard high school was for me for the first two years.  Everyone had forgotten old grade school friends and most has grown into the group they want to belong.  I didn’t belong to anyone.   I was walking towards the library doors once the dismissal bell rings.  I was so happy in the library.  Now, this probably certifies that I’m definitely a dork.  The highlight of my freshman year was that I was still afraid of this tomboyish batch mate since she and her friend terrorized me during the 7th grade.

A momentary flashback.  During the 7th grade, I was always having tummy pains every morning when my dad drives us to school.  I was always anxious.  This 7th grader was always looking at me funny.  Okay, I don’t want to play coy.  She (yes, a she) had a certain crush on me from a lot of not-so-subtle signs (not symptoms) that was thrown my way.  Being tomboy in this all-girls exclusive school made you very popular and this girl is one of the most popular just because she can’t make up her mind about her gender.  And the fact that there was someone looking at me made me a nervous wreck.  This girl(s) was sitting behind me in class for one whole year.  They keep a lot of quiet noise during class that made it hard for me to concentrate.  And sometimes, these noises were directed at me that I couldn’t help but turn around to watch my back.  At that time, I was praying to be invisible… if I wasn’t invisible enough.

The trauma from the previous year carried on the next year – that was Freshman year.   The following Sophomore year was a bit tolerable since I found my own circle of friends to whom I don’t have anything in common with.  They have so many things going on for them and I don’t have any.  I thought I was the most boring of them all.  They call me “bato” or rock, in plain English, because I embody the character of a rock – feeling, saying, doing nothing.  People had to kick you in order that you get somewhere.  That’s me.  The Rock.

Oh before I forget, I remember during Sophomore year that there was another tomboyish girl (that’s how far we can go if we would like to mingle with the opposite sex on those days) who, they said was smitten by me.  Well, this time I was also smitten by her.  This one girl hangs out in the library because I was there.  (I’m telling this story modesty aside.)  I haven’t seen her in the library before but at that time I noticed her because she waited for me to get inside while holding the door for me.  She was waiting for around 10 seconds because I was still 10 feet away from the door.  I found it odd at first.  And then, I kept seeing her around.  She was a Junior that time, one year older.  I told a couple of my friends about her.  And they also noted that she was there when I was there.  Well, it didn’t get very far though.  Nothing actually happened.  Because I still had my senses intact.  I wasn’t going to get into a relationship with a girl just because it was cool in school at that time.

The thing was, I was just trying to identify myself from them.  I was keeping my distance which proves that I was socially incapable.  I couldn’t keep up with other people but myself.

The first two years was hard as I was trying to cope up with everyone.  I wasn’t entirely alone when you see me.  I was with a group of people but it was full of discomfort in my part.  I had to watch out for the words that comes out of my mouth or the content of what I was saying or the way I was handling everything.  I was too conscious.

This self-absorption became too much.  After the summer of Sophomore year, I was a different person.  I was a Junior and all I could think of I was almost out of that place.  I didn’t mind walking the halls alone.  I didn’t mind if the subjects were hard.  I didn’t mind if I’ve got nothing witty to say.  I just didn’t care.  It was very liberating not to care.  And then everyone didn’t matter – well, what they thought of me, that is.  And somehow I could sense that they realize they can’t really mess with me because I’m my own person.  Alas, I found myself in Junior year.

There was this girl who seemed to be competing with me for everyone’s attention in class.  I didn’t realize that in the future, she was going to be the ex-girlfriend of my first boyfriend.  Talk about yuck!  Well, if I found out that she was the ex of my first, then that first wouldn’t be the first.  I didn’t want anything previously used by her.  Back to Junior High.  People found me interesting Junior year.  They were laughing at my antics that I didn’t do for that purpose.  They were listening carefully at my reports in front of the class (and so are the teachers).  The time when I didn’t care, everyone cared.

I was keeping a low profile and still didn’t want to mingle but people seemed to want to mingle with me.  Probably, I didn’t really do my best in repelling people and sending them messages that I wanted to be left alone.  I was somehow part of the school in an ironic time when I didn’t care about it at all.

Well, this certain girl was somehow caring about what car our family has which was very odd because I knew we were poor and couldn’t compare to what she has.  She was also seeming to be trying to hard to fit in the groups that found me entertaining (Note that I’m not trying to be popular by being funny at that time because I was still the same old me during Junior year… only without the care and the too-conscious-about-myself).  You could now say that I really dislike this girl from the very start of Junior year.  I didn’t even know her before that.  Anyway, she was just one thing that ruined my Junior year and it was very minor, almost nonexistent if you ask me.
Senior year was nothing special.  Everyone was busy applying for college.  Some considerations were if the school had good-looking boys in them so La Salle and Ateneo were one in their top choices.  Some sensible people were choosing schools based on the course they were taking.  Some were choosing based on the basketball team playing in the local/national level.  I didn’t choose any college.  I applied on almost all of them except for one school – La Salle where in I have to be superficially rich to enter.  I didn’t want all my four years to be like high school so I didn’t even try to take their entrance exams.

So far, that is what I remembered during my high school years.  I’m probably suppressing other very significant (but too embarrassing to mention) events of  those four grueling years of high school.

I can’t seem to be fair with high school students these days.  I am not even sympathetic of what they were going through.  Maybe because I know they will find better days soon.  And all those bad days in high school will soon be forgotten or missed.  Either way, they will soon come to pass.  And it will never be trekked again.  So all I could say to them is enjoy the hardships of today because it is nothing compared to what the future is going to bring.  The best thing about the future though, is you know how to handle these issues about yourself better than you did in high school because they will have a better perspective about life.

We all grow up. And we may bring both good and bad memories from those years.  Today will become a memory tomorrow.  Good memories makes you hold on to the past and bad ones makes you look forward to a better future.

You can’t undo these memories.  You may want to reminisce on them or not.  If you can’t keep them out of your system, don’t dwell on it.  Or else, we all get stuck in High School.

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